Rehab, Halfway House, Slippery Place

The following entries are part of a flashback series I'll be posting occasionally. They formed a blog titled, "A Detox on the Rocks" that I kept from 2005-2007. I have copied the entries and declined editing a single letter. These words teach me more about my addiction now than they ever could at the time.

Saturday, May 21, 2005

i'm in rehab

wow, it's been so long since i've posted. i have been a busy bee. i am in a woman's rehab program. i really didn't want to go, but i didn't have much choice. i have to admit that i am enjoying it for the most part. i am half-way through a four week program. it's pretty emotional and tiring -i live in the centre monday to friday and spend weekends in a half-way house for women. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my bed. i miss my internet access. but it's worth it -as much as i complain, i know that i am in the right place.

posted by Jane at 11:25 AM 7 comments

Sunday, June 12, 2005

the lacey house

so, i'm done of rehab and am in a half-way house for women called the Lacey House... the minimum stay here is 6 weeks, and some residents stay up to a year. it's been a very interesting week getting used to living in a house full of women in early recovery... holy hormones! lol. i don't think i'm alone in saying that a lot of women have problems connecting to other women... i think it has something to do with the fact that society pits women against one another... in my opinion we become jealous easily and are all too quick to use the words "bitch" or "slut". it's disgusting. anyway, i've gotta go. i'll update more sometime soon!

posted by Jane at 8:40 PM 3 comments

Sunday, June 19, 2005

slippery places

so i'm on my first overnite pass from the lacey house. a few "friends" are getting together for drinks before they hit the bars... stupid me, i think that i can pop in and be social. i seriously didn't think it would bother me.

i feel uncomfortable from the moment i walk in the door. i grab a glass of ice water and chat to a few people. the conversation is about a local band, some "awesome" party at so-and-so's place last weekend, narcotics, some chick puking in somebody's car... blah blah blah. god, everthing just seems so shallow. i don't know what to say... do i pretend to care about this bullshit? i don't even know these people.... who the hell are they?.... what the hell am i doing here? i start to feel really uncomfortable. if only i could have a few drinks, i know it would relax me real quick. no. no drinking. damn. after about an hour i tell my boyfriend i want to leave, but he's enjoying himself and wants me to stay. i wait another ten minutes. i am craving pretty bad. fuck it. why don't i just drink? am i just kidding myself with this recovery crap?... i'm 25... i'm supposed to be drunk! no. don't do it. i know i'll only regret it. i have to get out of here NOW. i tell my boyfriend again that i want to leave. i can't seem to admit that i'm craving. i don't want to seem weak, so i just complain about the people.... "i'm really uncomfortable... i don't want to hang out with these people, they're retards" or something like that. i am getting more and more frustrated and cranky by the minute. i need something. a hoot. a drink. a little blue pill. something! my boyfriend isn't willing to leave. he's got a pint into him and wants to keep drinking.... so i left and walked home alone. now i'm here at his place. spending my overnite pass alone. this sucks. i'm pissed off at myself for going down there.... i'm pissed off at him for not leaving with me... i wish he would have respected that i was uncomfortable and left quietly with me. instead i had to make an ass of myself in front of everyone and repeatedly ask him to leave, only to leave alone. this is stupid. why am i even here waiting for him? if i had any sense i'd just grab my stuff and go back to the lacey house.

posted by Jane at 12:10 AM 7 comments